Atlantic journalist Olga Khazan recently got a firsthand look at a trending parenting style during a ride-along with parenting coach Chelsey Hauge-Zavaleta. As Chelsey picked up her three children — two eight-year-olds and their six-year-old sister — from gymnastics, Khazan found herself along for the ride home. In the cramped, hot car winding down a back road, the children began squabbling, as kids often do, over things like the car’s temperature and what music to play.

“Chelsey pulled over to settle everyone down,” Khazan observed. “In the soothing, melodic tone she advises parents to use, she assured the girls that some dinner would soon make everything better.”

The kids weren’t convinced.

“No, it won’t,” one replied flatly.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m three years old,” another retorted.

By the time they arrived home, two of the children were in tears, and as Khazan describes in her article “This Influencer Says You Can’t Parent Too Gently,” things didn’t get easier from there.

“There were fruitless demands for screen time and ice cream,” Khazan wrote. “Chelsey held one sobbing child while another chopped vegetables. A freshly prepared soup went untouched as the girls opted instead for the ultimate kid comfort food: pasta with shredded cheese.”

Hauge-Zavaleta, 41, is an advocate of the gentle parenting approach, which prioritizes emotional connection and validation over traditional discipline. While Hauge-Zavaleta’s emphasis on nurturing relationships brings many benefits, research suggests that optimal child development is often achieved through a more balanced approach that blends warmth with structure. 

Known as authoritative parenting, this style combines emotional support with clear expectations and consistent boundaries, fostering children’s resilience, independence, and social competence. This balanced approach creates a stable foundation for growth and learning, allowing children to thrive in an increasingly complex world.

What Is Authoritative Parenting? 

In 1967, developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified authoritative parenting as a balanced style characterized by warmth and responsiveness, paired with firm yet reasonable expectations and discipline. This approach contrasts with permissive parenting, which focuses on warmth but lacks structure, and authoritarian parenting, which enforces strict rules without warmth. At the far end of the spectrum is neglectful parenting, which lacks both warmth and structure. Over the past several decades, research consistently shows that children raised by authoritative parents demonstrate higher social competence, self-regulation, and academic achievement than those raised with permissive, authoritarian, or neglectful styles.

Authoritative parents create a setting where children feel valued and supported while also understanding boundaries. The combination of warmth and structure allows children to build autonomy within a safe environment, ultimately leading to better psychological adjustment and greater self-efficacy.

Evidence Supporting Authoritative Parenting

A 2016 meta-analysis examined over 300 studies on parenting styles and confirmed the long-term benefits of authoritative parenting. Findings showed that children raised by authoritative parents had better academic outcomes than those raised with other styles. This combination of warmth and structure creates an environment where children develop cognitive and essential social and emotional skills that contribute to success later in life.

Authoritative parenting also encourages children to develop self-regulation skills essential for navigating academic and social settings. These skills are especially valuable as children move through school and interact with peers and teachers. Self-regulation helps children handle frustration, persevere through challenges, and interact effectively with others. In contrast, children raised without this balance may struggle with self-discipline and social competence, potentially facing difficulties as they grow older.

The Balance in Action: Anna and Her Son Ethan

To see authoritative parenting in action, consider Anna and her young son, Ethan. Anna values empathy, always listening to Ethan’s concerns and validating his feelings. Yet, she also believes in setting limits and maintaining expectations. 

One Saturday, Ethan had a big day planned — he was invited to a friend’s birthday party, a rare chance to hang out with his classmates outside of school. That morning, as Anna finished preparations, Ethan decided he would rather stay home and watch his favorite show, throwing a fit and insisting he didn’t want to go.

Anna sat down with Ethan, acknowledging his feelings and reminding him of the excitement he initially felt about the party. “I know it can feel like a lot to go to a new place with a lot of kids,” she said gently. “It’s normal to feel nervous, but remember how much fun you had at Lucas’s birthday last month?”

Ethan’s face softened as he thought back to that day. Still, he pleaded, “But I don’t want to go now.” Sensing his anxiety, Anna offered a balanced response: “Let’s try going just for a little while. If you’re really not having fun, we can leave early,” she reassured him.

This compromise struck a balance between empathy and structure, addressing Ethan’s feelings while gently encouraging him to stretch his boundaries. They went to the party, and Ethan soon started playing and laughing with his friends, immersed in the excitement. Later that day, he told Anna he was glad she had encouraged him to go, learning that sometimes, pushing through initial discomfort can lead to positive experiences.

This small example shows how authoritative parenting principles work in real life. Warmth and empathy, coupled with clear expectations, help children build resilience and confidence. By setting boundaries and validating Ethan’s concerns, Anna nurtured his sense of security and autonomy, giving him the tools to face new situations more confidently.

Attachment Theory and Authoritative Parenting: A Winning Combination

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, provides further insight into why a balance of warmth and structure is essential for healthy child development. According to Bowlby, secure attachment forms when caregivers consistently respond to a child’s needs, providing a “secure base” that allows children to explore confidently. Ainsworth’s research also emphasized that a balance of warmth and guidance fosters independence while offering safety and support.

Attachment-based approaches align closely with authoritative parenting, emphasizing emotional connection while establishing clear expectations. Studies show that children with secure attachments — developed through reliable, warm caregiving — are better equipped to handle stress and adapt to new situations. Secure attachment, combined with structured environments, encourages the development of essential self-regulation and coping skills, preparing children to manage the challenges they’ll face throughout life.

The Role of Behavioral Principles: Reinforcement and Punishment

Authoritative parenting also incorporates behavioral principles, particularly reinforcement and punishment, to effectively guide children’s behavior. Reinforcement, which includes positive feedback or rewards, strengthens desired behaviors, encouraging children to repeat actions that lead to positive outcomes. Praising a child for completing their homework, for example, reinforces their effort, increasing their academic engagement and persistence.

Conversely, punishment, when used thoughtfully and sparingly, discourages unwanted behaviors. This teaches children to associate specific actions with natural consequences. For instance, taking away screen time after failing to complete a chore can serve as a lesson on responsibility. By balancing warmth with consistent behavioral responses, parents create a framework that helps children learn from their actions, fostering accountability, self-regulation, and an understanding of social norms. Children who understand that positive and negative actions lead to predictable outcomes develop essential skills for navigating real-world challenges.

The Limitations of Exclusively Gentle Parenting

Gentle parenting, when focused solely on empathy and validation, can inadvertently hinder a child’s development of self-regulation skills. Children learn norms and expectations through empathy and through consequences and feedback. While emotional validation is vital, setting consistent boundaries teaches children how to cope with frustration and disappointment — critical skills for facing real-world challenges with resilience and self-assurance.

Emotional Connection Plus Clear Boundaries: A Path to Resilience

While Hauge-Zavaleta’s gentle parenting emphasizes emotional connection, children benefit most when warmth is balanced with structure, secure attachment, and practical behavioral guidance. 

Attachment theory supports this by highlighting the need for a secure caregiver-child bond, which provides a stable foundation for exploring the world and managing stress. Children develop essential skills like self-regulation, social competence, and resilience by pairing warmth and connection with consistent boundaries and principles like reinforcement and thoughtfully applied consequences. This balanced approach nurtures children’s emotional and cognitive growth, preparing them to face life’s complexities with confidence and adaptability.